Saturday, October 24, 2009

anger management

They say there are five stages to grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They list them out as if you progress from one stage to the next. In reality, it doesn't really work that way. I bounce back and forth from one to the next, or even mix them together in a smorgasbord of emotions. I haven't quite got a handle on that last one yet, the acceptance part. That is mainly why I decided to seek help through the bc social worker. I feel like I have made the right choices for the right reasons but still need some help in following through. For me to ask for help is saying a lot. There are few times in my life that I have asked for real help. I can't even think of one other time, offhand. I'm not talking about little things like asking you to set the table. I like to describe myself as fiercely independent. I used to think that was a good thing but I am learning that it is more like a weakness. My independence taught me to be silent, suck it up, bury my emotions, not let others in, put on a good front. I'm trying but I think it is going to be a long haul for me! I am so much better at writing about it than talking. Even then, we will see how long this stays posted before I delete it:) Last weekend, word spread through my extended in-laws as to my plans for cutting the bitches off. As they broached the subject with me, I basically nodded my head and said that was indeed the plan then turned to another subject. I have difficulty talking about it. Maybe cuz I'm still working on the acceptance part. Maybe cuz I think you just may not agree with my choices. I don't know.

I have had some good moments this week. Maybe from my one session on Monday. I have even been able to tell my dw a couple of times how I was feeling which she really appreciates. This is after all, pretty fucking hard for her to watch me go through and she feels helpless. But the majority of this week I have felt really angry. It has been a few days and I am still feeling angry. My anger is really at the brca mutation but there is nothing I can do about that so I have to turn my anger elsewhere. I am angry that I have to make such tough choices. I am angry at the tods for not telling me exactly what to do yet I am angry at them when they do tell me what to do. I ask them questions that I already know the answers to then I get angry when they answer because I don't like the answers. I am angry at some of the research and how indecisive it is. How things are controversial like is hormone therapy good for you or bad? I ask one doc and get one answer, ask another and get another answer. They don't really have all the answers and that makes me very mad. I am angry that I have to pay to get new boobs after I cut them off. Sure, insurance pays for some of it but not all. Why do I have to spend money on new boobs when I don't want to get rid of mine? I am angry at a lot of other things, but you get the point. I like to work out my anger at the gym. If that doesn't work, I like to follow it up with some food that is bad for me. Good old ben and jerry. I am not angry at them, I love them:)

Thanks for listening

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