Tuesday, October 27, 2009

just chillin

I went to a cancer survivor thingie over the weekend. It was held at my hospital (the one where I had surgery and most of my tods are affiliated with) and consisted of a couple of short classes and a panel of docs to answer our questions. Of course it started with the pink gift bag full of trinkets. I do wish they would change the bc color to orange, my favorite color! Maybe I will remember to send the pink bag to my nieces at christmas. Seems like all the little girls these days like pink.

So I learned a couple of things at this thing. Well, I think I already knew but I guess it just reiterated them. One thing they talked about was finding your non cancer self. This is the person you were before your world changed. I know I have buried my non brca self away months ago and I have spoken about trying to find it again but I haven't tried very hard. I have been stuck in a rut sitting here on the computer trying to find better solutions, getting support, giving support and avoiding life. I sit here and wallow in self-pity and have been ok with that. I feel like a little bratty kid throwing a temper tantrum until I get what I want. But what I want is never going to happen so I guess I need to pick myself up off the floor and deal with it. My non brca self was never on the computer except at work. Work? I haven't worked in months. I used to be a hard worker, not a workaholic but someone that worked hard when at the office. I used to be in love with my free time as well. Someone who enjoyed exploring something new each weekend. Lately, I have just not been motivated. I can't even pay attention to a football game anymore. I am on the computer while watching and don't even see what is going on. Don't even bother to stay up and see the end of the game. I used to hate to go to bed before the end, even on the east coast which meant a late night.

I am taking some baby steps. I took a bath over the weekend! Took some time to just relax. Read a couple chapters of a novel. Now I need to work on my homework before my next counseling session next week. I am supposed to set a date for cutting off the boobs. And I am supposed to contact my insurance company to see what my cost is going to be. Not looking forward to talking to them! But I am in a good mood today. Can you tell from the picture that it is snowing out today? And some is sticking to the ground! Can't wait for the clouds to clear so I can see how much is in the mountains. I also need to apply for jobs. Need the money and it will get me off this computer and take my mind off things.

Oh yeah, that other thing I learned. There was a supporter in the audience that asked how do you support someone going through this? That is a good question. We can be a moody, bitchy bunch and we don't always know what we need. I can tell you things that help me feel better. Hugs, telling me that I am strong enough to do this, getting together to do something, just anything to fill the time. I have a link on the left of a top ten list of things we like to hear and don't want to hear. Also, goodbyetoboobs has a great post about it as well, 'don't just say anything.' And I need to do my part as well. Trying to communicate better with my dw. And maybe one of these days I will pick up the phone and see how you are doing.

Monthly Reminder: October is almost past. Did you check your boobs or pecs this month? Some links on the left if you don't know how or need a refresher course.


  1. Hi, Sissie... Thinking of you tonight, but so tired. Took a 2 hour on-again off-again nap during Biggest Loser, and now I am cleaning toilets before bed! (Still tired, but hate ending the night.) I feel more like myself after getting yesterday's OB/gyn BRCA talk over with and today's boob MRI. (Only flashed the tech a few times as I walked through the halls trying to hold the robe closed with one hand while carry my purse, coat, blouse and slacks with the other. So much for ironing my clothes before work, and so much for showing up an hour early to have my bloodwork drawn beforehand. I waited for 50 minutes before they called me in.) Hang in there, kid. It's a long process, this remembering the person you were/are. I'll have to loan you my "courage" necklace. It really gave me strength sometimes - helps you remember how strong you are. You ARE strong. And every time you let yourself cry in front of someone, or let dw know how scared or angry or sad you are, you'll get even stronger. It takes a lot of guts to let people in, and to let them help you. You're already doing that. Love you. Wondertwin

  2. hmm...don't know about the necklace but maybe we should get some new tats after all is said and done:)

  3. you mean besides nipple tats? and type 1 diabetes tat?