Friday, October 2, 2009

want syrup for that waffle?

Some brca women know what they are going to do and stick with it. Others think they know what to do and then aren't so sure. We like to call it the waffle. Some compare it to having an angel and devil on your shoulder. You listen to whomever is screaming at you the loudest. Right now the devil is yelling at me as I am waiting for the results of my mri. He's telling me that I waited too long and my boobs will be full of cancer. That it will be too close to my nipple, ruining my chance for nipple sparing surgery. That I will have to have lymph nodes removed increasing my chance for lymphedema. That not only will I not be able to snowboard this winter, it could be weeks before I can even play Shaun White on my wii. That I will end up having to have both treatment and surgery when I really don't want to do any of it.

But then there is the angel. I know she will jump right in when my mri results come back all clear. I will feel better. Think it will be ok to wait some more. Maybe finally go look for a job. Go buy a ski pass. Get on with my life. Problem is, I don't trust the angel. I am usually a positive person and I like to root for the underdogs. But when it comes to illness for me and my loved ones, the angel has let me down 9 times out of 10.

My dw told me a couple of weeks ago that I already know what I am going to do. She is probably right. But it is like I am going skydiving and I just can't make myself jump out of the plane.


  1. I know what I want to do, but I don't really want to do it. And your dw is being kind and not reminding me (yet) of what she said she'd remind me of if my time came. I DO want to do the ooph, though, just need more info from OB/gyno when I see him.

    Maybe we will jump together. Wondertwin powers activate.


  2. Hey there - I'm BRCA1+ - I totally understand this feeling. In fact I think its something most of us go through..part of the process. It took me what felt like forever to actually pick up the phone & schedule my surgeries, though I had decided early on that I was going to have them. I jump back and forth between feeling courageous to fearful..I'll hang on to my sense of rightness in what I'm doing for weeks, only to picture that cold scalpel against my breasts and FREAK OUT. Well, fear or not, I'm doing it. My hyst/ooph is Oct 9, and my DIEP is Jan 12. I'd rather be afraid than dead..

    Adding you to my blogroll :)