Thursday, November 12, 2009

is this what growing old feels like?

Wanted to write a nice happy post today because mentally, I am feeling great! I realized yesterday afternoon that I had spent most of the morning not really thinking about brca! That's a first for me. It was a nice morning. DW had the day off for Veterans Day so I made us some pancakes and we relaxed a bit before we headed to the gym. Got to do one of our harder workouts that is usually reserved for the weekends. But had to cut it a little short because of my damn toothache. I have had problems with this tooth since around June 2008. That's when my dentist took out my old filling and replaced it. Didn't feel good after that and I had her take a look at it. She filed the new filling down a bit but seemed to give me a little attitude that nothing was wrong and why was I complaining. So even though it still hurt a little I never went back. I was really busy anyway and Aleve did the trick. When I moved I got a new dentist and the tooth was still hurting, a lot. My new dentist found a crack in the tooth and went ahead and put a crown on it. That relieved the pain for about 7 months. But it came back in August. Not sure why. My root is way up in my sinuses so maybe whatever breathing apparatus they used on me during my surgeries has irritated it. The pain was doable for awhile but now nothing seems to help. I have been taking tylenol and aleve but they don't seem to work at all. I saw the dentist on Friday and there is no infection. He said the pain could possibly go away again but if I can't deal with it I will need a root canal. On Friday, I could bite down without pain. Today, pain with every bite. And not just pain with eating. It is random. Could feel fine one minute then the pain starts up again. Yesterday I had to resort to something stronger than over the counter meds and still had some pain. I can't just sit around all day doped up. Can't drive on the meds and afraid to go too far from home off the meds as the pain can be intense. So looks like the root canal is calling my name.

I've never worried about growing old before. It was something I just never planned on. As a kid, the docs used to threaten me to try and get me to control my diabetes better. They'd say if you don't start doing this and don't stop doing that you won't live very long. Well I didn't do what they'd say so I just figured I wouldn't live long. And to a teenager, 30 seems like a ripe old age so that is the age I planned my life around. I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish by 30 and I did almost everything on that list and then some. Still haven't made it to Australia though! As I got closer to 30 I started to wonder if I was really going to die. I was seemingly healthy and had no problems yet. But still waited until my birthday before believing that I was going to make it. I was never afraid of death and it didn't hold me back in any way, except I never saw the use for a 401k or savings. Funny thing is I never discussed this with wondertwin (a fellow mutant 1) but turns out she also believed she would never make it past 30. We did have the same docs so that stands to reason.

Age doesn't scare me. I didn't cringe at turning 40. I view each birthday as 'cake.' To me, each year is another year that I thought would never happen. I enjoy my life and have never felt my age. Until now! Well, I guess it started at age 39. That's when my thumb gave out on me and I needed trigger thumb surgery. And my hands are not as strong as they used to be. Mutant 1 causes some joint issues. Then I got cancer and discovered I am a brca mutant. Now I need a root canal. Now I feel old. I feel like I have to make compromises because of my body. I used to be afraid of old people when I was young. Maybe I was just afraid to become one of them. I don't want to grow old gracefully. I want to be peter pan.


  1. You'll always be my LITTLE sis. And you'd better not die before me! Isn't it weird having to think about retirement plans? Never thought I would need one:)
    Happy World Diabetes Day tomorrow.

  2. This is not the most uplifting column J-9! And on the subject of aging, keep in mind that this little sister is rapidly closing in on 40 (with the littlest not far behind!)and you two (much older siblings :-)!) must continue to be the role models for aging gracefully! While we're complaining though, I have the joints of a 90 year old these days. Maybe 39 is the (not so) magic number. Take care of your tooth!!!

  3. So you are finally admitting that you are almost 40?! Guess it is time to start taking care of yourself:) Hope you are doing all the tests necessary to keep on top of your health.