Sunday, November 8, 2009

trying to find the sunny side of life

That's dw with our discount Brighton ski tickets! Let the winter begin:) I am so looking forward to snowboarding this winter. When you are making your way down the slope it is very difficult for your mind to wander to things such as brca. You mostly just concentrate on what is there in front of you. The conditions, your  next turn, the obstacles in front of you, trying to beat your friends down the mountain. At the same time your mind is screaming whoo hooo! It is a rush as you push yourself past your comfort zone. Taking on a little more speed than you may be able to handle, trying that double black run, eying that jump even as you realize you will crash and burn. When the sun is shining and the snow is deep, you can't help but feel good. And those awesome cookies are always waiting for you at the lodge:)

I have been struggling with this idea of happiness. Back in September if any peace or happiness slipped into my day I would really pay for it the next day. I would be angry with myself for allowing this and just be miserable. I didn't want any good moments. I felt like I was betraying myself if I felt good. I think I equate happiness with acceptance and I equate acceptance with giving up. I want the researchers to find me a better answer. Like make an off switch so that I can turn off this mutation. I understand that this will not happen anytime soon. I've heard they really aren't working on that at all. I think they are just working on more preventative drugs. Stuff like tamoxifen, but better.

I find that happiness has been slipping back in my life whether I like it or not. I'm not as depressed as I once was. Some days I don't even cry. I still feel conflicted though. I haven't sought out happiness. I haven't planned any fun trips and I don't have the motivation to do so. I still don't want to accept this happiness. My social worker says that it is ok to be happy with life and not be happy with brca at the same time. I understand what she is saying but it still doesn't seem right. But I think I should work on it. I can't turn into some grumpy bitch. It's a hard process, learning to be happy again. You remember what it was like, you know how to do it, it is just a matter of retraining your brain.

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