Friday, December 18, 2009

number 50

This is my 50th post! I never in my life would have imagined I'd share this much about myself. I'm a quiet person. I don't talk much about myself and I don't ask a lot of questions. I figured a person's business is their own and if they want to share then they will but I'm not going to pry it out of them. But I'm learning that maybe people do want to share but they just don't know how. It's ok to pry a little and let them know you care. Everyone needs someone to lean on at some point and most of us want to be there for each other.

For lack of something better to talk about, here are a couple of excerpts from my journal that explain a little bit about paranoia. This is something that has been creeping into my life since all the testing commenced. And from what I've read from other survivors and mutants, this is fairly typical.

12/03/09
So now that I have calmed down a bit from my polyp worries I am now worrying about a weird looking freckle/mole on my back. It just looks kind of strange to me. I can see it when I'm looking at my boob scar. It seems to be 2 different shades and kind of large and irregular so I think it should be checked out. Going to see my pcp next Fri for blood workup and have her look @ it. But don't know if I want to wait that long. May call dermatologist and set up a full body look over. What would my life be like without something to worry about? Is this my new 'normal'? If so, it sucks.

That mole checked out fine and the dermatologist says my skin looks very healthy. Yeah, guess I've been doing a good job applying sunscreen and wearing a hat! So my next entry wasn't for another 15 days. That means I was feeling pretty good and didn't have anything to get off my chest.

12/18/09
Well, went to the dermatologist instead of having Dr W look at the spot. Had him do a whole mole-mapping thing where he measures each mole and charts it. He said I look good and that one mole is fine. Said my skin looks much younger than my age. He was very nice and took the time to make small talk and wish me a good holiday. I thought he'd be kind of gruff and no-nonsense since he's also an army medic and has done a few tours already. So no melanoma for me! Now I'm worried about lung cancer as I wait for my chest xray results. I have a copy of the film but I don't know how to read it.

So why am I worried about lung cancer? Some of it is just paranoia but I have felt for a long time that something is not totally right with my lungs. I have never mentioned it to my doctors because I figured it is just asthma or maybe chronic bronchitis and I didn't want to have another disease. But now that I know I'm brca and I had bc then this suddenly becomes lung cancer in my head. And one of my aunts had lung cancer. Even though she was a chain smoker and I have never smoked ever. My logic is a little skewed but that is what happens. The mind games never end.

1 comment:

  1. *nodding* Yep, I hear you. I'm still going through this everyday with my back-ache-might-be-ovarian-cancer. This fear started before I ever heard about BRCA. Too much googling and waiting too long for it to go away. Now, since hearing about BRCA in my family, it's an everyday thought that I keep having to talk myself down from. Then again, you don't want to stick your hand in the sand and ignore everything. Where's the happy medium? I really don't know.

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