Wednesday, August 11, 2010

a good test of my endurance

Saw my breast doc today. I have been avoiding her for a few months since I needed a little doc hiatus after my last surgery. My boob has changed a lot since I saw her in january. I still have some hard spots in it and some bruising but happily some of the hardness has gone away, especially under the nipple. I confess I haven't been feeling myself up lately, partly because my hands hurt and partly because I no longer have surgery on the table so I am not panicked that I will never feel them again. So as she is examining my bad boob, I can tell she is lingering longer than usual. I feel like saying, "step away from the boob and stop worrying." She tells me she feels something in there that she doesn't remember feeling before. I wonder how she remembers what my boob feels like. Does she take really detailed notes or is my fabulous boob engraved in her mind? She goes on to say that it could just be that the tissue around that spot may have softened but that spot stayed hard. Or it could be fibrous tissue. It doesn't feel gritty, the skin isn't stuck and it doesn't appear to be rooted. All good signs. Of course, because of brca, she says we have to check out anything unusual. She says that it worries her a little but not a lot because I am due for my mri next month and we can wait until then. Unless I would like to do an ultrasound this month (which isn't as sensitive a test). I just laugh and say that I had hoped to put off my mri for 6 months and get on the rotating mammo/mri schedule instead of doing them so close together.  She wants me to promise her that I'll go and get one this fall. I don't say anything but think to myself, I'm moving at the end of September and then I'll need to find a doc and get a referral and then schedule the mri which could in itself take a couple of months. No way that is going to happen right away. We are moving back to cali. DW will go this weekend and I will follow later. I will probably be off my cobra insurance come september and on new insurance but I won't be able to use that insurance here in utah so any treatment or tests will have to wait until I move. Doc goes on to say that she worries about me. I say, "don't worry about me." I think to myself don't worry about me, I have lived a wonderful life. I never thought I would live this long so I did my bucket list in my 20's and when I kept on living after my 30th birthday my bucket kept flowing. Besides, no one in my family has ever died from breast cancer. We must get the good kind.  She says I know you will be ok and the survival rate is the same without surgery. She mentions an ultrasound again but I say no because I figure that will come back inconclusive like wt's did and then they will want to biopsy me. Forget that, I will wait for the mri which doc says does a much better job. I say if something is wrong then why did I just pass my mammo? She says the mammo can miss about 10% of cancers especially in dense breasts like mine. I don't feel worried though because a mammo caught mine in the first place. We say goodbye and I thank her for all her help over this last year. She tells me that I can always call her from cali with any questions. I love her and I'm going to miss her.

So I am on the surveillance track right now. I have decided not to cut the bitches off, at least for now. I have been known to change my mind! This spot I have to pay attention to will be a good test of how well I can handle the strain of surveillance. It will be interesting to see how I will feel if I do end up needing a biopsy. What will actually push me over the edge and onto the table? It reminds me of some baby swallow we have been watching at the garden. Yesterday, they finally took the plunge out of the nest. One little lonely bird sat at the edge of the nest all day by itself because I guess it was too afraid to take it's first flight. Finally, when someone took a picture of it, it flew off. Perhaps scared more by the camera than by  the thought of falling out of the sky.

I'm feeling stubborn today and got home and was like no way I'm gonna go get that mri soon. But then mutant 1 reminded me that I'm gonna need new drugs pretty soon after I get to cali. And I'll need to get a doc to sign off on my new driver's license most likely. So guess I will see if my old doc there will take me back. Once my new insurance kicks in I guess I will call from utah and set up an appt and maybe see if I can get a referral via phone so I can make the mri appt in advance as well. Mutant 1 saves the day once again.

3 comments:

  1. Hmmm... Makes me kind of want to print this out and mail it to your kind, caring, wonderful breast doc who loses sleep over you! Should I keep sending you my text messages, like the 55 year old in with breast CA mets to the brain? It's your choice, I know and I do respect that. Doesn't make me stop worrying though. Yay, dw, for keeping the "surveillance" in increased surveillance. Love you guys! wt

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  2. Sorry I am so behind on blog reading.. did you have the mammo? Where in Ca are you moving to? And you made me chuckle with your comment about wondering how she remembered what your breast felt like. Really, that's a good question!
    Teri

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  3. Hey Teri, thought of you today at costco as I almost gave myself a papercut picking up a box of cereal. Hope you are hanging in there ok. I did my mammo in july and it was normal:) Due for my mri after sept 30th. Moving back to the bay area.

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