Sunday, May 22, 2011

knock me out already

Time speeds by in slow motion. That is how it feels as I await my bilateral mastectomy, almost two years in the making. Less than two weeks to go. The two longest yet shortest weeks of my life. I know it will be here before I know it. I will wake up surgery morning and won't believe that it is finally time to cut the bitches off. Each day drags on with most waking moments preparing myself for the aftermath. Maybe the days feel long because I don't get much sleep. Partly from insomnia and partly from working the night shift this last month. I don't want the day to come but at the same time I just want it to be over already. Knock me out and wake me up when it's done.

I'm not in my happy place. I'm not following my own advice on how to handle stress. Not exercising or getting enough sleep. Feeding my stress with junk food. Not living in the moment. Almost two weeks to get my shit back together. Had a good three day string of events starting with a run, a bike ride and a beautiful hike. Need to keep it going. Still having a hard time breathing. Like I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. Trying to calm myself down by remembering all the great snowboarding days of last winter and the awesome summer I spent working at the gardens. I was in the zone there. So calm. So at peace. Living. Breathing.


  1. Hugs to you, Janine. We're here for you.

  2. Okay, so now I know you are normal. You were doing a good job of pretending you weren't worried. You will be okay. My anxiety was running at 1000% for about a month pre-op, then it all gets better. Hang in there. I love you. wt

  3. Trust me it'll go by fast! You'll be fine! Good luck! I know you'll be so relieved when it's done